


I don't have a choice, but I still choose you

by disenchantedkobrakid



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: F/F, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Sex, New York City, Pansexual Character, Students, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:47:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23559343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disenchantedkobrakid/pseuds/disenchantedkobrakid
Summary: Linda and Sarah are best friends for years already. Linda has been there when Sarah has had her gender reassignment and now they're living in New York together.But what Sarah doesn't know is that Linda is in love with her and maybe it's the other way around too.
Relationships: Linda Ignarro/Sarah Orzechowski
Kudos: 2





	I don't have a choice, but I still choose you

**Author's Note:**

> Guys, I'm so fucking bad at writing summaries, for real, but please give this story a try, okay?  
> It's my first F/F story as well as my first one featuring a trans character so please don't be too harsh with me. All of this has started when I've looked through my phone and found pictures of Sarah and Linda. I had wanted to write a F/F story for a longer time already and thought that it was about damn time. Sarah and Linda had seemed to be the perfect choice for that. Also, I've been listening to 'Fever' a lot lately - which I actually always am - and when 'Time To Dance' came up I couldn't stop thinking about 'Invisible Monsters' which features trans characters. Plus I've been watching a series with a trans main character lately so I kind of had to create one in my story too. It wasn't planned at all but well, nothing is actually.  
> I hope you enjoy this oneshot that is actually mostly fluff because I've become a softie. It was fun writing, sometimes hard - especially the sex scene because I've never written a F/F one before - but still fun, and maybe I'll write more stories with trans/lesbian characters in the future.  
> Please tell me what you think about it. Feedback would be very appreciated!  
> Stay healthy, Gwen.

“I don’t want to be a boy.” He said, desperately looking at me as if he rather wanted to die than to continue living in that body. And maybe it actually was like that. “No, that’s not right. I can’t fucking be a boy. This body, it’s not who I really am. Do you understand that?”   
He looked sad and unsure as if I would judge him which I would never do. I nodded, didn’t stop doing so for too many seconds. I couldn’t relate to that feeling because I had always felt okay in my body. Sure, everyone felt insecure from time to time but I had never felt the urge to undergo a gender reassignment. But what I could understand was that he needed to. He had never been a boy anyways, at least not on the inside.   
There were people who were born in the wrong body and he certainly was one of them. First I had thought that he was gay but that had never felt right either and maybe I had always known somehow that at some point, the day would come where he would say that he couldn’t live with this body any longer.  
I nodded again, one last time, and then asked: “What do you want to be called, girl?” He started crying, collapsed, but I quickly wrapped my arms around him – soon to be a her – and maybe one tear rolled down my face too. I smelled his mother’s perfume that he had stolen and cupped his head as he laid it on my shoulder.  
He had always been a bit taller than me – not much but just a few inches – and suddenly I started wondering what he would look like as a woman. He was a really beautiful boy but something inside myself suspected that he would be an even more beautiful woman. Maybe that was because I myself preferred women.  
We had met about one and a half years ago in high school – such a cliché – and I was two grades above him, me myself being in senior year while he was in sophomore year. I still remembered that moment when I had seen him in the hallway for the first time, his locker being right next to mine, and I had immediately felt a connection between us – not in a romantic way but because we were both the misfits that didn’t fit in.  
I maybe fitted in on the outside, had so called friends and was popular, but I had never fitted in on the inside. I knew that I was actually like him, someone who would never be like the others.  
Now, one and a half years later, it was still like that. At the beginning he had been skeptical and hadn’t believed that a girl like me wanted to be friends with him but maybe he had seen in my face that I wasn’t that different from him. And so we had become best friends.  
He looked at me, drying his tears but wearing a determined expression – like I had never really seen on his face before – and then he smiled. “My name is Sarah.” He/She said, nodding to reassure both of us that that was how it would be and I hugged her again, quickly this time. “Hello Sarah.” I greeted as if I had never met that person and it really was like that. On one side Sarah would be a completely different person but on the other side, she would be just the same. She would finally be herself.  
***  
“C’mon, I don’t want to be too late for my first lecture ever.” Sarah said, rushing through New York’s streets. She had always had a much better endurance than I myself had which was why I was lagging behind, breathing heavily and trying to regain my composure while Sarah looked like she had just been sitting around. I wanted to say something but didn’t manage to do so because I was so out of breath.  
“Hurry up, Linds, please.” She repeated, probably not even seeing that I was physically not able to arrive at the university on time. I shook my head, finally able to press out some words. “No, you know what? You run there and I’ll wait for you here.” I pointed at the no name coffee shop that was located next to us. “Why am I supposed to hurry up when I’m not even a student?” I laughed as she grabbed my wrist.  
“You promised me that you would be there with me at my first lecture.” She claimed and yeah, that was true. But then her expression turned soft. Maybe she finally saw that I was out of breath. “Okay, whatever, go to a coffee shop and drink a tea.” She laughed, stressing the last word because Sarah had always joked about me preferring tea over coffee.  
Then, she kissed me on the cheek before I was even able to react and ran away, making me wonder if she was actually Liberty Belle, but living in New York City. At some point of our already four year long friendship Sarah had started to kiss me on the cheek whenever we met or said goodbye. I knew that it didn’t mean anything to her but it was different for me because at some point I myself had started to develop feelings for her.   
I sometimes wondered if that had been before or only after her transition but I was certain that I didn’t want to be her friend, I wanted to kiss her lips and not just wanted her to kiss my cheek. Eventually, I sighed, entering the coffee shop that was crowded as always.   
Sarah had graduated from school earlier this year and then she had been accepted by the “School of Visual Arts New York City” which was why we had moved here two months ago. I loved the city but there was nothing I could do. Next to Sarah one always felt a bit incompetent because especially after her gender reassignment she had glown up and created so many amazing things. I was incredibly proud of her, I really was, but sometimes I wondered what I had been doing those last two years after I had graduated myself.  
At the moment I was working in a bookshop because I loved reading and had a pretty good knowledge of literature. That, at least, saved me. Sarah, though, had never really liked reading. And if she actually did read, it was those cliché romantic books I always joked about.   
I sat down at one of the few free tables and moments later, the waitress – a blonde-haired woman my age – appeared next to me so I ordered a peppermint tea along with a brownie because I had always had a weakness for that.  
As I watched all the people in the coffee shop and those outside of it, rushing through the streets, I realized that I was lonely. It was an all-consuming loneliness that never really went away, even when I was with Sarah, even when I was happy.   
In a few months, I would turn 21 years old and I had never been in a real relationship. Sure, there had been guys in high school I had dated but that had never been something real and more in pretense. That shouldn’t bother me much but it did. And I was afraid that I was one of those people who had been pretty popular in high school but didn’t manage anything in life afterwards. For Sarah, it was the complete opposite.  
Later, in the evening, Sarah and I were in our small apartment that would’ve been way too expensive for us to afford if it hadn’t been for my parents to help us out. I had never wanted to be one of those kids to live off my parents’ money but I didn’t really have a choice now. And my parents had always been too genial. After Sarah had come out, her own parents had abandoned her and she had moved in with us which was why she had become a second daughter for my parents.  
The latter had paid for her gender reassignment and I often wondered if they loved Sarah more than they loved their own daughter. It probably was like that. Yes, I was certain that they only paid part of our apartment’s rent because of Sarah. It was always Sarah and I loved and hated that.  
My best friend now opened the fridge to grab a bottle of water which made me laugh. “Seriously? We’re living in New York which is everyone’s dream and you don’t want to celebrate?” I joked but she looked seriously. “I have more lectures tomorrow.” Sarah claimed which made me shake my head. “Yeah, but only at noon. C’mon.” I didn’t admit that I had memorized her schedule so I would always know at which time she could be at home.  
Sarah looked puzzled for a second but then sighed. It never took much persuasiveness to get Sarah to drink alcohol so when I fetched a bottle of whisky, Loraine – my colleague in the bookshop – had bought because I wasn’t 21 yet, Sarah willingly grabbed shot glasses and placed them on the table, keeping her eyes glued to me the whole time.  
We had started drinking pretty early – like everyone actually – and I had always brought Sarah with me to parties, not having cared that everyone had hated her – after her transition even more than before. But because I had been popular, Sarah had been tolerated.  
Now, Sarah was wearing a black dress that other people would only wear to special events but she wore every day. It flattered her and after having taken a few shots, I almost started blushing. I started imagining that Sarah was only dressing like that to provoke me but knew that that wasn’t actually true – it was just the alcohol making me think that.   
The thing was, we hadn’t talked about whom we found attractive in years. I recalled having done so when she had been a boy and when everything had been surprisingly easier, when I most likely hadn’t been in love with my best friend yet, but from that time I recalled her former self admiring boys as I had always admired girls.  
At some point we had stopped talking about that topic. I regularly saw boys flirting with her – those who would react pretty different if they knew that she was a trans woman – but I had never seen Sarah flirt back.  
“Fuck.” She eventually exhaled and it could’ve meant everything and nothing. Fuck, I didn’t want to drink as much because I don’t want to be hungover tomorrow. Fuck, I met somebody and don’t know how to tell you. Fuck, I love you, I’ve loved you for years. I certainly would’ve preferred the latter but I wouldn’t fool myself because life wasn’t like those damn romantic books Sarah liked to read.  
“Fuck.” I finally replied, looking at the half-empty whisky bottle, deciding that it probably was enough, that I didn’t want to puke again because that was gross. Also, I didn’t want to forget this night, didn’t want to forget how breathtaking Sarah looked in that black dress, how her hair fell down at her sides and how her cheeks were red from the alcohol.  
I myself was wearing straight imperforated black trousers, a large Panic! At The Disco t-shirt and a bob that was actually way too long at this point.   
There was still a little height gap between us, not much but just a few inches, though now it was enlarged because Sarah was wearing high heels while I was wearing Converse, never having been able to walk in shoes higher than a few inches.  
“I’m tired.” I eventually claimed even though that wasn’t actually the case. Why was I even saying that? Maybe I needed to be alone. Sarah nodded as if she sensed the lie but didn’t hold me back when I went to my room.   
Our apartment had four rooms – the kitchen which was the largest one, a tiny bathroom, one bedroom which was Sarah’s, and mine that was actually supposed to be a living room but we obviously didn’t use it as such. When we spent time together, we usually were in the kitchen or watching a movie together in one of our rooms. It wasn’t a big deal except it was.  
I heard her doing stuff in the kitchen when I grabbed my Fever CD and started playing it. When the record had come out like a year ago, I had immediately fallen in love with it. There were two things that I dared to say I recognized: good books and good music. And this record certainly belonged to the latter category.  
Hours or maybe just minutes later, I couldn’t even tell, Sarah entered my room with almost a shy look on her face that surprised me. She didn’t look surprised when she saw that I wasn’t asleep and eventually approached my bed as if I had invited her to do so.   
When she sat down on my bed, I immediately knew what would follow. It sometimes – often – happened that she started kissing me when we were drunk. And every time I thought that it meant something, only to realize that it didn’t when both of us were acting as if nothing had happened the next day.  
Her lips found mine almost naturally and I felt like I would explode when her tongue slipped into my mouth. It all happened so fast and – damn – I was never the one to initiate the kiss, I was never the leader, but maybe I didn’t even want to be.  
I wrapped my arms around her, searching for something to hold on to as she pressed me down to my bed, made me lay down which made me even more defenseless. And maybe I liked that a little bit too much.  
I wanted it to stop but I didn’t actually want it to. It was a painful pleasure as Sarah continued kissing me, devouring me, and I was oh too willingly to let her and returned. I felt her breasts pressed against mine and it turned me on. The thought of undressing her and feeling them directly against mine, without layers of clothes, almost made me faint.  
I was so caught up in the moment that I needed moments to recover when she suddenly stopped, smiled at me as if nothing had happened and laid down next to me only to fall asleep within seconds.   
I certainly didn’t sleep that night.  
***  
When I woke up hours later, Sarah was fortunately still asleep so I had an advantage over her. I remembered how years ago I had wondered how she would look as a woman, had thought that she’d probably be even more beautiful than she had been as a boy and it certainly was like that. There was this natural beauty defining her and nobody would’ve thought that once, her body had looked completely different.   
Over the years she – we – had experienced much hate, especially in the little town we had grown up, most people were pretty conservative and considered gender reassignments a sin – so did Sarah’s parents. But here in New York it was completely different. There were so many people living in this city that few people would care about one individual. And unlike in our home town nobody knew about her history here. Nobody could judge.  
I eventually got up, wondering if something more than kissing had happened hours before, but then realized that I would definitely remember that. It had happened so often in my dreams. There, Sarah would undress me and then press me against a wall where she would go down one me so I would go mad.   
I shook my head, trying to get those pictures out of my head and then realized that Sarah had woken up too. Her sleepy eyes scanned the room for a reference point and then found me. I was still wearing my Panic! At The Disco t-shirt which she mustered skeptically. One could see Brendon Urie in the foreground and the other members in the background. I wondered if she thought he was hot.  
Finally Sarah got up too, acting as if nothing had happened though I knew that she could remember every second, just as I myself. Maybe Sarah would eventually make me an alcoholic because I was addicted to her kisses though I would only get them when we were drunk.  
“I gotta go. My second lecture will start soon.” She claimed, not knowing what to do for a slight second but eventually leaving the room. It was only 10am, Sarah would need thirty minutes to get ready and another thirty minutes to get to the university so she certainly didn’t need to hurry but I didn’t comment on that.  
“Sure.” I therefore replied when she had already left the room and got ready myself. I usually worked 9 to 5 in the bookshop but on Fridays I started later because we closed later which was why there were more people working there circadian.  
Loraine was already there when I arrived at the book shop, so were some other colleagues I quickly greeted. My main assignment was to receive orderings, either via phone or in person. So I started working, loving to be surrounded by books. And there was certainly something special about this book shop. I remembered being here as a customer the first time and then coming back every day until they had finally offered me a job a few weeks ago.   
I didn’t know what I would do in the future, I didn’t have any degree but I knew how to work here – my favorite place.  
The hours flew by, I talked to several customers – most of the conversations were pretty pleasant while only some were annoying – and just when I wanted to take a break, Loraine came by to tell me that there was another customer who was asking for me especially.   
I was puzzled for a moment but then Sarah approached me from the other end of the book shop, almost looking shy, and I recalled that that was the same expression she had worn shortly before she had kissed me just hours before. “You two know each other?” Loraine asked just when I had already forgotten that she was still there, inspecting us skeptically.  
“You could say that.” I responded, grabbing Sarah’s wrist and dragging her to a private room where we were alone. Did having met her more than four years ago really count as knowing her? Did I really know Sarah or was I just thinking that I did?  
The people in the book shop didn’t know about her, obviously had never seen her before, because I had never felt the need to tell them about my best friend. They were always talking about their husbands, their girlfriends and children but I never did. One could call me a private person but I just didn’t like it.  
“What are you doing here?” I eventually whispered when we were alone, the door closed behind us. Sarah’s expression unidentifiable but her gaze was intense. “What? Are you ashamed of me?” “Dammit, no.” I shook my head. “It’s just… no, I don’t know what it is, actually. I don’t care what they think, okay?” Well, that was just half of the truth but at least something.  
And with the way you've been talking  
Every word gets you a step closer to hell  
“I just wanted to come by to see where you were working.” Sarah eventually responded. “It’s nice.” And that was all. I wanted to kiss her but I didn’t because we weren’t drunk, because we were at my workplace, because everyone could’ve come in, because I was in love with her and she wasn’t in love with me.  
“Well, now you’ve seen it.” I laughed, too strident, too nervous. She did too but her laugh sounded so much more beautiful. “Not really. Why don’t you give me a tour?” I wondered why she was doing this after what had happened the day before and generally so many times before that. But maybe it wasn’t a big deal for her, coming here and being all casually.  
“I guess.” I eventually responded, trying to be calm and wondering why especially today it was so hard to be. We went back to the salesroom where Loraine and another colleague were working. When we showed up again, she looked up quickly, dismissed her customer and I said that I’d give my friend a quick tour. That was what I said: My friend.   
We were friends who sometimes kissed each other. But that wasn’t a big deal because we were always drunk doing that and it didn’t mean anything, at least not to her. Yeah, right.  
I started by showing Sarah the general fiction department which was located directly next to the entrance. Next to that were fantasy and science fiction books followed by historical fiction and classics and in the back corner one could find biographies. On the first floor one could find nonfiction books and next to that was a big department of juvenile books as well as manga. Lastly, in the corner one could find children’s books and picture books.  
Sarah smiled and I wondered why she did so. She had never been that affine of books and I figured that such a tour would probably bore her more than actually interest her. So why was she doing this?   
Eventually I realized that it was time for me to get back to work for another couple of hours and suddenly I didn’t want that. I wanted to walk out of the book shop and I wanted to curl up under my blanket to cry. But I knew that I couldn’t.  
“How was your second lecture, actually?” I finally asked as we were still standing in the picture book department where fortunately no customers were. “It was a catastrophe, to be honest.” Sarah laughed. “But I think that it’ll get better when we can actually be creative. You know, it’s just that many lectures at the beginning but soon we’ll be able to do stuff ourselves and I think that I’ll quite like that.”   
I smiled, already excited what Sarah would create. She was incredibly good at digital drawing and I was pretty sure that she could be a great comic book drawer in the future. “So, what are your plans for the rest of the day?” I asked, curiously and she shrugged. “I figured I would just stay here? Or is that a problem?” I needed a couple of seconds to comprehend what she had just said but then smiled. “No, of course not.” I replied, still confused, and when Sarah smiled back at me, I felt as if I was going to burst. My love for her only got more intense over the course of time.  
“So, can you recommend me a good book?” She asked so naturally, as if she would regularly read which wasn’t even the case. I thought about it for a second and then went downstairs again, only to be mustered by Loraine again. Eventually, I found the book I had searched for and gave it to Sarah.   
“Invisible Monsters.” She read out loud. “Interesting.” I laughed. “It’s the book Time To Dance is based on and I’d love you to read it.” I claimed, then she nodded. “Okay.” Nothing else. She sat down in one of the comfortable armchairs that were spread all over the books shop and started reading like she was in her natural habitat, not caring about all the other people, not caring that Loraine was staring at her as if she was an alien.  
And that was one of the things I loved most about Sarah: This carelessness I could never quite manage to have. But she absolutely didn’t care about anything. It was: Love me or leave me. I certainly wouldn’t do the latter.   
Loraine asked me who she was and I didn’t know how to answer but then said: “She’s my soulmate.” And that could’ve meant everything and nothing. I continued working as if nothing had happened but internally couldn’t stop thinking about what I had just responded.   
***  
The next Friday we were having a party at our apartment. Some people from Sarah’s major had come, though nobody I knew. And I wondered when the tables had turned so extremely. In high school I had been quite popular, had had some “friends” and Sarah had always been the one to not bring anyone. Now I was awkwardly sitting in a corner while Sarah was being admired by everyone and I felt like I didn’t even exist anymore.  
At some point I went outside on the balcony to breathe in some fresh air and smoke a cigarette. Like everything in our apartment, the balcony was tiny too. It was one of those typical New York City ones with a fire escape ladder right next to it, every balcony in the street looking the same.   
I inhaled the smoke like it was the air I needed to breathe and moments later Sarah was standing next to me, literally glowing, and I wondered how much she had already drunk. I myself was sober because I didn’t feel like drinking, didn’t feel like twitching my actions again but Sarah certainly wasn’t.   
She reached out one finger and I gave her the cigarette. “Why are you standing here all alone?” She eventually asked, inhaling the smoke herself and blowing it out in the sexiest way. “I don’t know. Why aren’t you inside with your friends?” She inspected me, tried to comprehend me but I surely couldn’t comprehend her.   
It was one of those typical student parties, except I wasn’t a student and Sarah wasn’t inside, getting drunk with her fellow students. She gave me the cigarette back and when I took another drag, my eyes were glued to her. I thought that it was weirdly intimate to share a cigarette.  
When I was done with it, I reached out for the ashtray that was located on the little table on our balcony and then I turned around to look at the city. New York was a city that never slept. Even though it was much after midnight, there were still several lights on in the apartments and the traffic – if not as much as it would’ve been throughout the day – still was about as much as it would’ve been in a small town throughout the day.   
We were living on the sixth floor, almost on the highest floor, and I quite liked where our apartment was located. One had a good view over the area and every time I was standing on our balcony, looking at the people, the cars, the city life – especially at night – I felt like everything was possible.  
“Maybe I don’t want to be inside when you’re alone here.” She finally claimed, looking me straight in the eyes. I wanted to say something but moments later her lips were pressed against mine. For a few seconds, I gave in, let her tongue slip into my mouth, let her make my knees weak, let her do all of this to me, but then I took all of my strength and pushed her away.  
“I can’t do this anymore.” I pressed out with a raspy voice, desperately and confused. Sarah laughed quickly but then realized that I meant it and her face turned completely serious. “I’m not drunk, okay? I haven’t consumed alcohol at all today.” She finally whispered and I wondered if she was telling the truth. Because that was exactly what a drunk person would say – and Sarah had always been so good at acting normal when she had consumed alcohol.  
“Yeah, right.” I eventually responded, now laughing myself, but her expression didn’t twitch. “Okay, I’m not drunk either.” I whispered back, not knowing what this even meant. But when she smiled and kissed me again, I thought that I maybe didn’t need to know – at least not yet.  
All that was important was that we were both not drunk which meant that we were both completely aware of what we were doing each other – that we were kissing each other and that it maybe meant something.  
***  
When I woke up the next day, I wanted to damn Sarah again but then I recalled that something had been different when we had kissed hours before. I wouldn’t fool myself, wouldn’t think that we would live happily ever after because that only happened in the books my best friend read, but she had appeared sincere and I couldn't stop thinking about that.   
I realized that it was Saturday which was my day off – we were open but I didn’t work on the weekend – and when I glanced at my phone, seeing that it was only eight am, I wondered why I was already awake. But now that I was I certainly couldn’t sleep anymore. The only thing I was able to think about was the kiss that had been so genuine and even though I didn’t want to speculate, I still did, thought, hoped, dreamed.   
I tried to read a book – The Picture Of Dorian Gray – but I simply didn’t manage to concentrate even though it was quite interesting. Sometime later I got up, only wearing an oversized shirt I usually slept in and went to the kitchen to make coffee.   
We still had one of those super old-fashioned coffee machines that needed half an eternity to produce the beverage and I was so focused on getting it going that I only realized that Sarah was awake too when she was standing next to me. As well as me, she was only wearing a wide shirt and I was able to see her nipples through the thin layer of fabric but she didn’t care about that – maybe didn’t even notice it.   
“You don’t like coffee.” She claimed, not a question but a fact because she knew that. I shook my head and then nodded, confused myself. “No, I don’t.” I then said and Sarah nodded as if that was completely normal.   
Probably for the first time since we had moved to New York, I felt that she was nervous. The thing was, Sarah wasn’t a person who got nervous that easily or if she got, she was able to hide her anxiety pretty well – but now she wasn’t. She was chewing on her lips, looking at the floor as if I was someone she barely knew.  
“Listen, I…” She started, cleared her throat and then restarted. “What happened tonight, it’s not like I’d kiss any random person and – holy – you’re certainly not a random person.” She laughed. “I just want you to know that I’m not using you, okay? I don’t even know what this is but… I’m not using you. I’m sorry if you’re thinking so, I’m…”  
I interrupted her by placing my lips on hers and realized that it was probably the first time that I initiated a kiss. For a couple of seconds, I was the one in control but then, finally, Sarah kissed me back with such an intensity that it was almost too much. She dragged me against the fridge, something I had imagined so many times, and then started undoing my pants.   
I wondered if Sarah had ever done anything like that – I certainly hadn’t. Even though most people thought that I’d already had sex with several guys, I had never fucked anyone – neither man nor woman. Plus, I had never been interested in having sex with a guy, every time I’d had sexual fantasies, a woman had been involved – most of the time Sarah.   
And now I was actually kissing her and she was kissing me and it was completely different than the times we’d done that before. “I’ve never done this before.” She eventually claimed when we quickly broke the kiss and her fingers slipped under my briefs. I smiled to encourage both of us and then I felt her fingers inside of me.  
It was weird – not to have her fingers inside of me because that was a feeling I already knew through masturbating – but it was weird to have someone else’s fingers inside of me while both of my hands were grabbing either of her shoulders, desperately holding onto something.  
When her thumb started circling around my clitoris and her forefinger and middle finger found my g-spot my knees turned to jelly and I wasn’t able to stand straight anymore. But what about what we were doing was straight? Neither was I.  
Sarah continued kissing me, captured my moans and I was too close to my climax too soon. My eyes were closed but now I didn’t even need to imagine my best friend, now she was the one doing this to me and just thinking that was almost too much. I heard the slapping sound of her fingers thrusting into my vagina over and over again and tried to compose myself but that wasn’t possible.  
“I’m... I can’t…” I started but didn’t even manage to finish a sentence. I came like I had never come before. My muscles constricted around Sarah’s hand and as she kissed me – again and again and again – her lips constantly on mine, I didn’t even manage to kiss back because I was in another world – on another level of existence.  
Her hand remained at the same spot for probably minutes but eventually she let her fingers slip out of my vagina and she was smiling at me, her cheeks red and her hair messed up which was my doing. “Are you sure you haven’t done this before?” I finally managed to ask, still out of breath and barely managing to stand, leaning against the fridge like it was a lifeboat to escape from a sinking ship.  
Sarah licked off her fingers – she actually licked of her fucking fingers one by one – and I wondered where she took all of her confidence from. If I had fingered her for the first time, I would’ve freaked out. But that was where Sarah’s and my personality had always been quite different.  
“Well, not to anyone else.” She laughed but I remained serious. “I swear. Okay, I wouldn’t even want to touch another woman’s pussy.” I wanted to say something, wanted to ask her what exactly she meant by that but for some reason, I didn’t manage to do so. Maybe I was afraid of what the answer would be.  
***  
The days flew by and I thought that maybe Sarah was nervous herself – except she was better at not showing it. We had kissed several times – so often that I didn’t even keep count anymore while I had always done that before – but we had never really talked about what was going on between us. I knew that sooner or later we’d had to but we were currently in a bubble and I didn’t want it to burst. Maybe we were both afraid of what the other person would say.  
I still didn’t understand what exactly had triggered her that night to kiss me and then tell me that she wasn’t drunk. Why hadn’t Sarah done so before? Or why hadn’t I? And then the way how she had fingered me the morning after, like she had done that a million times before. I had melted in her arms and I guessed that I’d never be able to stop thinking about that.  
Even now that a customer was standing next to me which I got painfully reminded of, I couldn’t stop thinking about Sarah, couldn’t stop imagining how she looked without clothes because after all I had never seen her naked.  
I managed to place the order the customer had wanted me to and then realized that exact person I couldn’t stop thinking about had entered the book shop. Loraine immediately recognized her because she said something like that my girl was here, but I ignored her. Sarah smiled and we were looking at each other as if we were seeing each other for the first time which maybe we were on another level.  
“Hello, I’ve recently gotten into reading more. Do you have any recommendations for me?” She started our conversation as if she was just a usual customer and I was just a usual seller. “Well, ma’am, I could recommend you many, many books. But what about…” I grabbed the first book that was located next to me which happened to be Twilight, a cheesy prelude of a vampire teen series that had come out the year before and that I might had read already.  
“What’s this about?” She asked, seriously interested but as she started reading the blurb, a smile started growing on her face. “Seriously? I thought you hated any kind of romantic story.” “Well, I do, but as a book seller it is my duty to read all kinds of books to handle my customers in the best possible way. And also, I’ve just grabbed the first book I could lay my hands on which happened to be Twilight. And well, maybe it’s not as bad. Well, it is but…”  
“Exposed.” She interrupted me, grinning, and that was when I started smiling too. It was as if there were only the two of us in the book shop but suddenly I remembered that that wasn’t the case. “Hey Loraine.” She looked up from whatever she had been pretending to work on. “Is it okay if I call it a day already?” I asked hopefully, taking Sarah’s hand who returned the pressure immediately.  
Loraine tried to look displeased but then she just shrugged. “Yeah, whatever. There are not as many customers today anyways. But please mind that you won’t get paid for these missing hours.” Again, she attempted to look serious but my boss simply wasn’t that kind of person. “Sure, that’s okay.” I replied. And it was.  
***  
We walked through the streets, still holding hands like that was the most natural thing in the world, and nobody even minded us. Even if someone would had, I wouldn’t have cared. But that was the great thing about living in such a big city. Everybody was anonymous, one never recognized any people one knew on the streets.   
I had grown up in a small town so I knew that it could be pretty different. I recalled walking through the streets with my mother where we had always met at least one person. And if two girls would’ve walked through the city holding hands, someone certainly would’ve looked displeased.  
Here I felt weirdly free. Not just because of the fact that nobody really cared but even more because I finally was away from my parents, alone with Sarah. That was until I remembered that my parents paid part of our rent. And suddenly I didn’t feel free anymore.   
After I had finished high school two years ago, I had started doing mini jobs. I had always been a bad student, no matter how hard I had tried, school just hadn’t been for me so college had never been an option, and because I couldn’t find an apprenticeship, I had taken every job that had been offered to me to at least make some money.  
I know that I was a failure for my parents so when Sarah had gotten that scholarship, they had literally flourished and I was pretty sure that I never would’ve gotten to New York without my best friend.  
“What are you thinking?” Sarah eventually asked, we had almost reached our apartment where we had subconsciously been going to. Neither of us wanted to do anything else. I sighed. I was thinking about so many things like I always did.  
“I think that if you hadn’t gotten that stipendium, my parents never would’ve supported us in moving here. You know, you’re the perfect daughter in every aspect and I’m just… I don’t even know what I’m doing here.” I shrugged and Sarah quickly let go of my hand because we had reached our apartment building. The elevator was never working which was why we always had to take the stairs which was certainly much considering that we lived on the sixth floor – and that was definitely enough sport for me.  
“Don’t say such stupid shit. You’re amazing, Linda. Just, some people need a bit more time to figure out what they want and what they can. To be honest, I think that you’re doing perfectly fine in the book shop. But anyways, you have moved here because you can reach everything and even if your parents wouldn’t have supported you, you still would’ve managed to survive here. Maybe it’s a nice side effect that I’m here too though.” Sarah grinned viciously and I playfully hit her against the shoulder.  
As she opened our apartment door, I got the chance to inspect her silently. Like most of the time, Sarah was wearing a short, close-fitting dress, this time it was light blue, and I wondered again how it was possible that she looked so incredible. “Oh well, that’s what you call yourself? A ‘nice side effect’?” I then grinned but her expression suddenly turned serious and I was afraid of what would follow.   
“I feel like I don’t say that enough but I’m incredible for what you and your family have done for me. You were the only one who has stood by my side all this time and who has never cared about… you know, my gender reassignment. And when my parents have kicked me out, your parents have treated me like a daughter. I’ll never be able to repay what you’ve all done for me, I mean it.” I cupped her cheek and Sarah quickly closed her eyes.  
“Don’t worry about that. I mean, hey, you’ve gotten me to New York.” I smirked. “If you think so…” Sarah said doubtfully and then she was kissing me again. It wasn’t one of those extremely passionate kisses but one of those softer ones that were not less desirable.   
“What am I to you, actually?” I finally said when our lips parted after seconds, minutes – I didn’t even know. She inspected me, brushed a strain of hair out of my face which made me realize again that I desperately needed to cut it. I had never liked long hair on myself but Sarah’s long dark one suited her so well.  
“You know how some guys approach me from time to time to flirt with me?” She started, completely out of content. Puzzled, I nodded. “Well, when I had been a boy, I’d always wanted to get a boy’s attention but I had never gotten it. And when I had had my gender reassignment, suddenly many boys had started flirting with me and I hadn’t even wanted that anymore. Isn’t that funny?” I nodded again.  
“I… You mean the world to me, okay? For a really long time I’ve thought that you were only a friend to me but you aren’t. You’re so much more and I can’t even describe it really. I used to think that I was attracted to boys but in the last few years I’ve realized that I don’t care about anyone’s gender. And you’re the most amazing person. Hell, who would’ve thought that I’d fall in love with my best friend?” Sarah smiled and it was the most beautiful thing in the world.  
And there she had said it. She had said what I had wanted to hear for such a long time but had never thought I’d actually hear. “Damn, tell that to your former self.” I only said, not being able to stop smiling either. “He would certainly be shocked.” Sarah claimed and a silence spread between us.  
Just when she asked: “So, what about you?” I remembered that I hadn’t even told her about my own feelings after her confession. Maybe it was because some part of myself had thought that I didn’t need to but that was stupid because Sarah was just a human being like myself and now she was again looking at me almost nervously.  
I took her hands, leaned my forehead against hers and then said what I had wanted to say for such a long time. “You stupid, of course I’m in love with you too. Hell.” When we kissed I couldn’t even tell who had initiated it. And it didn’t matter anymore.  
It was weird that in the past few weeks I had learned more about my best friend than I had had the months before. And I was beyond excited to learn even more about her in the future.


End file.
